Area Teenager’s Life Destroyed

Last Saturday, Brittany Eldredge’s parents left their fifteen year-old daughter home alone for a few hours to go out for dinner. Brittany invited three friends over, and technology in the hands of teenagers–the specter that excites and terrifies PTAs, small town newspapers, and local newscasts across the country–demonstrated its inherent danger. Word of the party quickly spread via cell phone and text message, and soon there were roughly 80 teenagers destroying the Eldredge home. Her parents returned home to find Brittany crying among damaged property and the stench of beer and marijuana. Some of Brittany’s brother’s things had been stolen and the family dog had been traumatized. Then things got really bad for Brittany.

Brittany’s mother, Kerrie, “just want[ed] to make sure other parents know this is happening,” so she called the local newspaper and gave them the story, complete with a picture of the damage. From the picture’s caption:

Trash is strewn in the Eldredge family’s West Barnstable home last weekend. The family’s traumatized dog recovers on the couch. (Photo courtesy of the Eldredge family)

To the reporter’s conclusion:

Brittany, meanwhile, remains grounded, her mother said.

The teen will have plenty of time to read the three self-help books her mother purchased to give her the strength to combat future peer pressure.

Poor Brittany’s nascent social life has been set ablaze in the bonfire of an article that sounds like it was taken from the Onion. Sadly, it wasn’t, and she’s unlikely to extinguish the flames before her graduation. I suggest that she start applying to large colleges in the midwest, where no one will have heard a word of this.

2 Replies to “Area Teenager’s Life Destroyed”

  1. Creepy. Makes me think of that B52s song, popular when I was in high school, “Party Gone Out of Bounds.” This was back in the days of the Sony Walkman. The song begins with sounds of guests filtering uninvited into a suburban home, and builds to a chorus that goes in part, “Who’s to blame when the situation degenerates; Disgusting things that nobody would anticipate…”

  2. Things like this used to happen all the time where I grew up. The difference is that it would just be gossiped about Monday morning at school, it wouldn’t be posted where people from New York to Oakland would be reading about it, complete with a picture of the living room in question. Brittany’s humiliation is now before the whole world in more than a teenager’s usual hyperbolic sense. I really don’t think her parents did her (or themselves) any favors here.

    On the other hand, the article itself is easily as funny as anything I’ve seen in The Onion (forgetting for a moment that it’s true).

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