The Onion has taken on the professional pathos that is Major League Soccer, which is like (to use a metaphor from soccer) Thierry Henry taking a penalty kick with Stephen Hawking in goal or like (to use a metaphor from parodic news) The Onion taking on President Bush:
DALLASâ€”Carlos Ruiz, a veteran forward who has played the last three years with Major League Soccer’s FC Dallas, has announced that he will hold out on any contract offer that does not include some mention of monetary compensation… FC Dallas has asked the league to intervene, saying that actually paying Ruiz with money would put them over the $1.2 thousand MLS salary cap.
As Homer Simpson would put it (and as Eric did put it), it’s funny because it’s true. Carlos Ruiz has consistently been one of the league’s leading scorers, yet apparently he only earned a base salary of $30,000 this past season (with his total compensation including bonuses reaching $50,000). That’s not how we usually treat our professional athletes in this country.